John

Sarah stands outside the bedroom door, her shadow cast over the sign saying John's room, with her blonde hair tied back, her left hand clenched up against her chest breathing heavily, her eyes reddened as she reaches out her right hand, nervously shaking pressing against the wooden panel. The door which was slightly ajar now swings slowly open, almost wanting to stop herself from entering, Sarah reluctantly takes a step forward looking in, to the left a neatly made bed is pushed against the wall, a desk directly ahead, a stool perched in front. Light shines in from the right as the window becomes visible beyond the opening door, the door stops tapping against the wardrobe that stands beside the window.
With one foot after another Sarah walks across the room, breathing in through her nose, desperately hoping the smell of her son was still in the room. Reaching down with both hands Sarah pulls the stool further out from the desk. She glances up at the walls that surround her, photos of John, his blonde hair wavy like his mothers, from just a little boy to the young man he became. Surrounded by his friends and the brother he loved so very much, Charlie was looking up at John in all the photos, shorter in their two years difference. Looking at them momentarily put a smile on Sarah's face, the memories of watching her boys grow up, still smelling the room, the smell of John's raw essence aftershave mixed with fresh linen from the newly made bed.
Glancing down at the desk Sarah's eyes are caught by a small envelope with ‘mum’ written on the front, with a sudden pinch in her stomach, Sarah knows it was from John because of his scribble he once said was just perfect handwriting in the making, she reaches out, the light still shining into the room, as her fingers slide between the flap and seal, slightly tearing the envelope open, already she can hear John's voice in his pleasant yet deep welcoming tone, allowing her eyes to flow across the words unable to read it out loud, just allowing her memory of John's voice read it to her, feeling as if she were there as he inked it.
With his pen gliding slowly across the paper, sat at his desk, his woolly hat pulled loosely around his head, the darkness in his eyes, his once rosy cheeks sullen and white, reading his words to himself.
'Mum please listen to this tape.' John says reading off the page before him as he presses the record button.... 'I'm so sorry for everything I have put you through.' he says taking a deep breath of air, the tape still rolling. 'I just want you to know, that I was and still am so happy to have you in my life, I know this whole recording a tape thing is a bit stupid but Dr Kelso said it might help us both. I feel so silly sitting here right now recording this for you, I guess, what I need to say is I'm ready now mum.' he stops and looks down at the letter, his cheeks lower, he truly believes it himself. 'I want to tell you I love you mum, you, dad and Charlie, I hope he listens to this too, you have been the best brother I could have ever wished for, and I don't think I told you guys enough how I feel.' continues John rubbing his nose looking at the tape turning in the deck. 'The cancer may have beaten me mum but I don't want it to beat you too, you have worried day after day for me but stayed strong, I know you will never let go of me, I don't want that, but I want you to move on knowing I'm not suffering any more, we did everything we could, you did everything you could for me and I couldn't be any prouder to call you my mum, you can relax, the worrying can stop now, I'm pretty sure you're crying right now so stop; rub your salt water eyes and smile because I'm free now.' John stops, he looks over his shoulder to the window. 'It sounds like you guys are pulling up on the drive, well I think so anyway, remember mum, don't let it beat you, I love you all.' adds John now reaching for the stop button.
Sarah sits back taking her hand from the stop button, with the back of her hand she does as she is told and wipes her salt watery eyes, breathing slow, yet strong, not only for John or herself but the family she still has. The photo's that surround the room will always be there to remind her, to stop her from forgetting the good times. Raising her left hand she pushes a stray hair back behind her ear. Sarah takes in a deep breath of air once again, the smell invigorating her senses. With a small shudder in her stomach she turns to look at the doorway, somewhat startled by the knocking, she smiles at Charlie standing tall, now sixteen and becoming the young man his brother was, gentle and rewarding in his nature to others, with a half smile he looks over at his mum, taking his hand off the door he walks over to the bed, lowering himself down slowly not wanting to mess it up, he looks disheartened because something is missing from his life as he gently strokes the bed covers. He looks up at the unlit light, the room slightly darker than normal for only the sunlight shines into the room, in his heart he knows this room will never be what it once was.
Charlie sits quietly, his head down, his breathing calm, soaking up the surroundings, he looks up, his eyes wide open, the room suddenly lit up as Charlie watches John waltz into the room, they smile at one another.
'So you were going to tell me about last night.' says John pulling open his wardrobe door, he reaches inside taking a top off a hanger, turning to look back at Charlie sitting on the bed, still neatly made, the floor still tidy.
'But I promised Claire I wouldn't say anything to anyone.' replies Charlie, his cheeks going a pale shade of red.
'Yeah but I'm different, you tell me everything and she knows that.' says John placing one item of clothing after another into a duffel bag.
'Look we kissed that's all, now that's it, we aren't talking about it.' said Charlie now more red faced laughing at John raising his eyebrows. 'Mum would kill me if she even knew that.' he continued while shaking his head, lifting his hands to cover his embarrassment.
'You're nearly fifteen Charlie, mum won't say a thing but I'd stay away from Claire's dad.' said John joining his brother in laughter.
'Stop it John I'm freaked out as it is.' said Charlie picking up a music magazine from off the bed. 'I wish I was coming with you this weekend.' he continued while peering over the magazine at the duffel bag.
'Well little brother next time if you're old enough you can come to the festival too, this weekend is going to be epic.' said John as he holds his thumbs up at Charlie.
'You'll be gone off to Uni by the time I'm old enough to go with you.' he replied.
'And we agreed remember, you can come visit me whenever you want, plus I'll be back all the time, I couldn't stay away from you guys too long.' he said while wriggling beside Charlie on the bed.
Charlie looks at him and smiles nodding agreeably, he turns to look back at the door, the smile no longer on his face, the light once again off, taking his hand from the bed to his own lap Charlie looks to his side but John isn't there, his eyes reddened, slightly watery looking over at his mum who was still sat on the stool.
'I miss him mum, I miss him so much, I know John wouldn't want us here like this but I miss him all the time, he was my big brother.' said Charlie closing his eyes to stop his tears.
'You're not alone, I miss him too, we will always miss him but we will always have him with us, John didn't leave us, he didn't abandon us, he's all around in our memories.'
'I know mum, I feel it every time I come in here.'
'He left us a letter, something to remember him by, listen to the tape, he hoped you would, to know what he was thinking, what he wanted to say.' says Sarah placing her hand onto his shoulder before walking out the door.
Charlie looks at the tape player, at the photo's beyond putting a little colour in his cheeks.